Dear whom it may concern,
don't really know why I'm writing this letter or to who it will go to. Maybe its to myself and this is the way that I need to see it, in writing so I can fully understand the things that go through my head. or maybe it's to whoever will read this or some random person that i don't even know.
I wish i had all the answers to life. or i at least wish you could tell me, or anyone for that matter. Why things happen and where i'm supposed to go and what i'm supposed to do. I just wish i could figure it all out. i wish i could make things fall into place. I wish i knew if this was all going to be worth it in 10 years or if i am just wasting my time. I guess thats not the point of life though and knowing would be no fun. Its just so uncertain sometimes that it scares me.
I'm stuck, stuck in a place that i have tried time and time again to get out of but can't find a way out. I'm stuck in a cycle that just keeps pushing me back, back to a place I don't want to be. Contentment is rare these days. I wish i could settle and feel peace in this city like i used to but for some reason i can't seem to find it. Maybe its cause this place is changing and the people i care about it are changing with it and i'm not and am changing in different ways. or maybe its cause so many things-good and bad- have happened to me here over the last couple of years and i just need to get away from them. Or maybe it will just take time. or maybe i just need to get out and start fresh. sometimes i wish i could start over here and go back and do things differently or take back things i've done or said but i guess thats why its called regret. and i guess what has happened has made me who i am today but i still wonder where i would be if things were different. but i guess No matter what the cause or whats going to fix it i need something. Something new, something different, something bigger, greater than what i'm living right now. I need something to stir something up inside of me. And i wish people would care like they used to. When did it become so cool to be so apathetic. I guess thats part of the change that i missed. I miss realness and truth.
Maybe my discontentment has something to do with Africa? Who knows. What i do know is that my heart itches for that place. I long to walk its roads and sing its song. Its a broken nation and that has broken me. and maybe i'm not content here because i long for the simplicity and passion africa has. It knows how to complete me, and how to fill something that feels like it's missing. I guess that's what happens when it steals your heart.
I'm back in the routine of school and for once it feels right and where i need to be. Starting something new is always hard but its refreshing and it means no more science or labs. That makes me smile all in its self. Hopefully school will keep feeling right cause at this point nothing else really does.
I guess that pretty much sums up whats been going on inside of me the last few months. A constant battle against myself and my mind that i can't seem to win. but it is what it is so take it how you want it.

Alicia