Ever since I've gotten home, I have been in a constant struggle with this place.  Trying not to slide back into the rut that this place has but trying to find out where I belong and how I fit into this city.  Constantly trying to find peace and contentment but ending up with reasons to leave.
I've said it before that this place is bitter sweet to me and it continues to be that way- I love it because it's home and this is where my family and some of my best friends are, but I've changed and this place just doesn't get it, people just don't get it, and I'm itching to get out and see the world.
A little while ago I made a couple realizations; realizations about life, this place and people. It was hard but I also found peace along with them; not peace with this place but peace with who I am and what they meant. I accepted them for what they were and kindof just watched as this place continued to check off reasons of why I should go.
Realizations continue to happen to me though and I realized that I was writing off all the good in this place, forcing myself to see only the bad and all the reasons of why I should go; writing off people with selfish reasons but blaming anyone but myself. Only seeing the bad when there was countless good stacking up beside me. I was blaming this place for problems I was creating myself.
The constant struggle has somewhat been won. I am finally being able to see the good in this place again. The reasons of why it is home and why I love it. Also being to understand a little bit more of what this place means for me and where I fit and finding peace alongside it. Peace and contentment with this place, life and people.
Wanting to travel and see the world was my escape. I love to travel but I mostly wanted to get out because of discontment and the bad in this place.  With realizations that has changed though. I want to travel but not because I want to escape anymore but because it's where my heart is.  Now it's for the right reasons, not just wanting an out. I can leave this place with peace and know that I'll be happy to come home.